Crucial questions:
Am I ready to commit
to something that's going to change possible direction in my life?
Am I ready to leave
everything behind...guess this is an expression cause everything moves forward
in my life.. And me leaving something behind would mean it would be stuck on my
sub-conscious, which means I would be stuck with it.
Can I hold out till
these big decisions happen?
Some background…I have
dreams that kind of give me a timeline of my life. So far I have glimpsed as
far as...I’d say around 40 to 50 years of my life (I think). I was really old
in one of my visions.
Thing is I know that I
have spirit guides, so does everyone else, and mine do guide me and have always
guided me (whether or not I wanted them there is not their concern). I think we
promised that they would be there with me, as I would be with them in different
lifetimes. I guess this is my turn now.
For as long as I can
remember I have always had this lady when I was younger…I’ve recently thought
her to be a relative…but these days I question everything. What if in reality,
our spirit guides are our spirits that are travelling in time, backwards and
forwards, to guide us. Just a thought. Which would make sense right? Since I
feel really comfortable with this woman. She could be a relative…relative
soul…related to my soul…and since we are one, it could be hard to tell her
apart.
Anyway..today. I talk
about a different issue. I am really not sleeping well these days cause I have
too much on my brain. Yesterday I really was not a happy camper. I do mention
in one of my posts in Japan, how I felt the Buddha’s spirit at the Buddha
garden. This is really not a joke. But I think Gotama is playing jokes on me.
I went to a Buddhist
retreat not so long ago, to get perspective. It was a mandala-type retreat.
Mandala is an offering…kind of like a fast-tracked Buddhist’s way to blessings,
I think. After sitting in a Chinese sitting posture (that's what we call it
where I grew up) from 8am till 7pm, after the second day, I really felt like a weight
was lifted off my shoulders. There
are no words to describe the joy and peace that comes over you after that. I
think that retreat saved my life.
Anyway…the Buddha’s
revenge...right? I met these two
monks at the center, really nice and open…real inspiration. This one monk asked
me how it is that I came across Buddhism. I choked. After some time it did come
back…and not pretty at all.
This is the deal. I
once dreamt about sitting at an alter with a man, this spirit felt close…like
we were married. We were praying, offering incense. Very strange right? I was
lank old in that picture probably about my 40’s or 50’s. I think I was between 13 and 18 when I
dreamt that. It was really confusing but I think that set my spiritual agenda.
I went to Nan Hua after that…through someone I knew. I was in awe...spiritual
heaven. After that, I had interactions with monks from Hare Krishna, but my
biggest interaction was in Japan.
A lady I met last said
that a funny thing is that she has always found herself at Buddhist temples.
This is how I feel. For no reason at all, I found my way to some Shinto
shrines, and ended up chilling with monks in Japan. There was a monk we went to
chill at his house for a braai. He was a nice guy with a nice family. I did not
understand this in the beginning cause I thought monks were not allowed to have
families. But I read it up…most people in Japan are born into families that
have a certain skill or place in the community. This guy, I guess, was born into a Buddhist monk family and
has to carry the family tradition much like the samurai did.
I found myself again
in Nara, which I recently read has a big significant Buddha sitting there with
many others. I was there. That place was a trip…I know that that day was
Buddha-full. I walked in the gardens, lit some incense and asked for blessings.
Amongst the conversations I had at the retreat…some things started making sense
after I came back home.
But you know, I have
wanted to leave this materialistic life I find myself in…with no options. I
really am scared to make big romantic spiritual gestures…cause it would mean I
actually leave some stuff I really like holding on to (like graffiti,
illustration, dance, beading). I
think I can become accustomed to a material-less life in a mountain faraway.
This has been a burning question for the last…say 15 years of my life. I really
did want to join the order…but I thought it was impossible, but these days it
seems to be the only way I can find happiness. This question came back to give
me a sleepless night yesterday, after I looked up the order of Buddhist’s that
wear the grey uniform.
Buddha is really
kicking my ass, from Africa to Japan and back…maybe one of these days I should
listen.
1 comment:
Just read this again...the torture still continues. Wakaranai dayo! Doushio?
I am looking for the middle path now, but I think maybe I should be stricter than go at it like head on. So make sure that I am the strictest lay woman then see...so hard to walk these paths.
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