Life happens at a fast pace sometimes, sometimes it is slow. I feel like I'm living in the middle of those two conditions. So often do I dream about the future and think about my past and how it influences my future.
My consciousness has been stuck on this one brother...he had my full attention and my consciousness. I have been questioning how it is that he can get to do that. I carried him in spirit, I believed, I have been analysing his presence in my spirit. I was aware that I had not told him of any of the weight I carry because of him....but wait! The poor brother does not know that I pictured a life with him...and his children..in fact he doesn't know that I even have feelings for him.
I really struggled with this. My thoughts:
I was conditioned as a girl to build castles with a man in my head because in reality love stinks. So having a mental oasis was taught as a self-preservation method.
This brother has no clue that I carry all this baggage, believing it is for both of us...when in fact...it is all me. I have been using a sort of meditation for my emotions. One that says that...before the emotion rises: I should be able to recognise it, acknowledge it and be able, at some point, to say..."o.k. I give you permission to exist in my space...go ahead...but I am watching you".
I have also started speaking to an old...friend. I guess I did realise that I really am into him. I have been into him, we love everything about each other plus our long term goals are similar. Although he live far from me, I guess I figure it is time I lived my life...I am not getting any younger and he is always in my life. I am just thinking of keeping him as a permanent fixture, which would be great for the next part of my life. Cause it will be beautiful. Teaching. Kids. Life and this great planet...can i really go wrong?
I know that I will be opening a new window in my life, but if I do not open it...it will never be closed(in a sense that I will always wonder why he isn't with me).
I cannot wait to go back to teaching and enjoying life with its great life gestures. That holds promise of happiness and general well being for me and people around me....
On the other hand I know that I am about to make life changing decisions soon...so I would like to tour the continent before I do that. So far I have decided to move from Gauteng (South Africa) to Kenya...everyday seems to tell me that this may not be possible because of my budget.
I really do not feel like starting new business relationships these days...even though I need the cash. I think my peace is far more valuable than making money. Sad for me...striking the balance between money and peace of mind is hard. I have never been good at that balance...but I will need to learn...if I am to raise children of my own.
I need to raise money to leave here also...no way around it.
