Life happening

Life happens at a fast pace sometimes, sometimes it is slow. I feel like I'm living in the middle of those two conditions. So often do I dream about the future and think about my past and how it influences my future.

My consciousness has been stuck on this one brother...he had my full attention and my consciousness. I have been questioning how it is that he can get to do that. I carried him in spirit, I believed, I have been analysing his presence in my spirit. I was aware that I had not told him of any of the weight I carry because of him....but wait! The poor brother does not know that I pictured a life with him...and his children..in fact he doesn't know that I even have feelings for him.

I really struggled with this. My thoughts:

I was conditioned as a girl to build castles with a man in my head because in reality love stinks. So having a mental oasis was taught as a self-preservation method.

This brother has no clue that I carry all this baggage, believing it is for both of us...when in fact...it is all me. I have been using a sort of meditation for my emotions. One that says that...before the emotion rises: I should be able to recognise it, acknowledge it and be able, at some point, to say..."o.k. I give you permission to exist in my space...go ahead...but I am watching you".

I have also started speaking to an old...friend. I guess I did realise that I really am into him. I have been into him, we love everything about each other plus our long term goals are similar.  Although he live far from me, I guess I figure it is time I lived my life...I am not getting any younger and he is always in my life. I am just thinking of keeping him as a permanent fixture, which would be great for the next part of my life. Cause it will be beautiful. Teaching. Kids. Life and this great planet...can i really go wrong?

I know that I will be opening a new window in my life, but if I do not open it...it will never be closed(in a sense that I will always wonder why he isn't with me).


I cannot wait to go back to teaching and enjoying life with its great life gestures. That holds promise of happiness and general well being for me and people around me....

On the other hand I know that I am about to make life changing decisions soon...so I would like to tour the continent before I do that. So far I have decided to move from Gauteng (South Africa) to Kenya...everyday seems to tell me that this may not be possible because of my budget.
I really do not feel like starting new business relationships these days...even though I need the cash. I think my peace is far more valuable than making money. Sad for me...striking the balance between money and peace of mind is hard. I have never been good at that balance...but I will need to learn...if I am to raise children of my own.

I need to raise money to leave here also...no way around it.

photo albums and phoenix

I woke up to continue working. So much work. I have to start and finish some illustrations for a client. I love illustrating and his project is something I have been looking forward to.

Yesterday I had to go buy paper. It is hard to find books or photo albums I would like so...I decided to make my own. I finished my yearly daily planner and now I am making albums from all my adventures in Japan. I just didn't like posting all my photos online...So I am going old school...helps with people not steak\ling my identity.

I will post pics when I am done with one...quite exciting and expensive actually....but really dope.
I just fetched Phoenix(my red bmx) from a friends house...I think she was glad to see me. Long trip ahead...cycling.

Thinking into silences

Went to the ashram with a friend today.  I felt like Elizabeth in Eat, pray, love.  Try as I did, today I could not find that place.  I started meditating before the Swami came…and I could not concentrate after the Swami said so.  The frustration of not being to concentrate is a real frustration. But I think I should listen to a wise friend…that I should just observe.

I really feel like I’m at crossroads in my life…this is the time I make a more informed decision about my life.  But if I do make a decision…I would need to commit.  Running my mouth about how I have learnt this and that, been here and there would need to stop.  I would literally need to shut up (mentally too)…that's some serious ninja-shogun-monk technique.  I need to be that ninja-shogun-monk who trains her mind to yield a sword of honour, discipline and concentrated focus that will guide her towards light and silence.

The latter I have fallen in love with recently.  I love waking up in the morning and keeping silent for about 30 minutes to an hour.  It is beautiful. And it’s even more beautiful when the first beings you speak to are flowers, trees and birds…that excite my being.

I wish I could take that feeling into every part of my life.  It may be easy to find happiness but keeping it is difficult.

Finding answers

Crucial questions:

Am I ready to commit to something that's going to change possible direction in my life?

Am I ready to leave everything behind...guess this is an expression cause everything moves forward in my life.. And me leaving something behind would mean it would be stuck on my sub-conscious, which means I would be stuck with it.

Can I hold out till these big decisions happen?

Some background…I have dreams that kind of give me a timeline of my life. So far I have glimpsed as far as...I’d say around 40 to 50 years of my life (I think). I was really old in one of my visions.

Thing is I know that I have spirit guides, so does everyone else, and mine do guide me and have always guided me (whether or not I wanted them there is not their concern). I think we promised that they would be there with me, as I would be with them in different lifetimes. I guess this is my turn now.

For as long as I can remember I have always had this lady when I was younger…I’ve recently thought her to be a relative…but these days I question everything. What if in reality, our spirit guides are our spirits that are travelling in time, backwards and forwards, to guide us. Just a thought. Which would make sense right? Since I feel really comfortable with this woman. She could be a relative…relative soul…related to my soul…and since we are one, it could be hard to tell her apart.

Anyway..today. I talk about a different issue. I am really not sleeping well these days cause I have too much on my brain. Yesterday I really was not a happy camper. I do mention in one of my posts in Japan, how I felt the Buddha’s spirit at the Buddha garden. This is really not a joke. But I think Gotama is playing jokes on me.

I went to a Buddhist retreat not so long ago, to get perspective. It was a mandala-type retreat. Mandala is an offering…kind of like a fast-tracked Buddhist’s way to blessings, I think. After sitting in a Chinese sitting posture (that's what we call it where I grew up) from 8am till 7pm, after the second day, I really felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  There are no words to describe the joy and peace that comes over you after that. I think that retreat saved my life.

Anyway…the Buddha’s revenge...right?  I met these two monks at the center, really nice and open…real inspiration. This one monk asked me how it is that I came across Buddhism. I choked. After some time it did come back…and not pretty at all.

This is the deal. I once dreamt about sitting at an alter with a man, this spirit felt close…like we were married. We were praying, offering incense. Very strange right? I was lank old in that picture probably about my 40’s or 50’s.  I think I was between 13 and 18 when I dreamt that. It was really confusing but I think that set my spiritual agenda. I went to Nan Hua after that…through someone I knew. I was in awe...spiritual heaven. After that, I had interactions with monks from Hare Krishna, but my biggest interaction was in Japan.

A lady I met last said that a funny thing is that she has always found herself at Buddhist temples. This is how I feel. For no reason at all, I found my way to some Shinto shrines, and ended up chilling with monks in Japan. There was a monk we went to chill at his house for a braai. He was a nice guy with a nice family. I did not understand this in the beginning cause I thought monks were not allowed to have families. But I read it up…most people in Japan are born into families that have a certain skill or place in the community.  This guy, I guess, was born into a Buddhist monk family and has to carry the family tradition much like the samurai did.

I found myself again in Nara, which I recently read has a big significant Buddha sitting there with many others. I was there. That place was a trip…I know that that day was Buddha-full. I walked in the gardens, lit some incense and asked for blessings. Amongst the conversations I had at the retreat…some things started making sense after I came back home.

But you know, I have wanted to leave this materialistic life I find myself in…with no options. I really am scared to make big romantic spiritual gestures…cause it would mean I actually leave some stuff I really like holding on to (like graffiti, illustration, dance, beading).  I think I can become accustomed to a material-less life in a mountain faraway. This has been a burning question for the last…say 15 years of my life. I really did want to join the order…but I thought it was impossible, but these days it seems to be the only way I can find happiness. This question came back to give me a sleepless night yesterday, after I looked up the order of Buddhist’s that wear the grey uniform.

Buddha is really kicking my ass, from Africa to Japan and back…maybe one of these days I should listen.