Finding answers

Crucial questions:

Am I ready to commit to something that's going to change possible direction in my life?

Am I ready to leave everything behind...guess this is an expression cause everything moves forward in my life.. And me leaving something behind would mean it would be stuck on my sub-conscious, which means I would be stuck with it.

Can I hold out till these big decisions happen?

Some background…I have dreams that kind of give me a timeline of my life. So far I have glimpsed as far as...I’d say around 40 to 50 years of my life (I think). I was really old in one of my visions.

Thing is I know that I have spirit guides, so does everyone else, and mine do guide me and have always guided me (whether or not I wanted them there is not their concern). I think we promised that they would be there with me, as I would be with them in different lifetimes. I guess this is my turn now.

For as long as I can remember I have always had this lady when I was younger…I’ve recently thought her to be a relative…but these days I question everything. What if in reality, our spirit guides are our spirits that are travelling in time, backwards and forwards, to guide us. Just a thought. Which would make sense right? Since I feel really comfortable with this woman. She could be a relative…relative soul…related to my soul…and since we are one, it could be hard to tell her apart.

Anyway..today. I talk about a different issue. I am really not sleeping well these days cause I have too much on my brain. Yesterday I really was not a happy camper. I do mention in one of my posts in Japan, how I felt the Buddha’s spirit at the Buddha garden. This is really not a joke. But I think Gotama is playing jokes on me.

I went to a Buddhist retreat not so long ago, to get perspective. It was a mandala-type retreat. Mandala is an offering…kind of like a fast-tracked Buddhist’s way to blessings, I think. After sitting in a Chinese sitting posture (that's what we call it where I grew up) from 8am till 7pm, after the second day, I really felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  There are no words to describe the joy and peace that comes over you after that. I think that retreat saved my life.

Anyway…the Buddha’s revenge...right?  I met these two monks at the center, really nice and open…real inspiration. This one monk asked me how it is that I came across Buddhism. I choked. After some time it did come back…and not pretty at all.

This is the deal. I once dreamt about sitting at an alter with a man, this spirit felt close…like we were married. We were praying, offering incense. Very strange right? I was lank old in that picture probably about my 40’s or 50’s.  I think I was between 13 and 18 when I dreamt that. It was really confusing but I think that set my spiritual agenda. I went to Nan Hua after that…through someone I knew. I was in awe...spiritual heaven. After that, I had interactions with monks from Hare Krishna, but my biggest interaction was in Japan.

A lady I met last said that a funny thing is that she has always found herself at Buddhist temples. This is how I feel. For no reason at all, I found my way to some Shinto shrines, and ended up chilling with monks in Japan. There was a monk we went to chill at his house for a braai. He was a nice guy with a nice family. I did not understand this in the beginning cause I thought monks were not allowed to have families. But I read it up…most people in Japan are born into families that have a certain skill or place in the community.  This guy, I guess, was born into a Buddhist monk family and has to carry the family tradition much like the samurai did.

I found myself again in Nara, which I recently read has a big significant Buddha sitting there with many others. I was there. That place was a trip…I know that that day was Buddha-full. I walked in the gardens, lit some incense and asked for blessings. Amongst the conversations I had at the retreat…some things started making sense after I came back home.

But you know, I have wanted to leave this materialistic life I find myself in…with no options. I really am scared to make big romantic spiritual gestures…cause it would mean I actually leave some stuff I really like holding on to (like graffiti, illustration, dance, beading).  I think I can become accustomed to a material-less life in a mountain faraway. This has been a burning question for the last…say 15 years of my life. I really did want to join the order…but I thought it was impossible, but these days it seems to be the only way I can find happiness. This question came back to give me a sleepless night yesterday, after I looked up the order of Buddhist’s that wear the grey uniform.

Buddha is really kicking my ass, from Africa to Japan and back…maybe one of these days I should listen.